When you are in a meeting or a lecture, and the floor is yours to speak, starting your sentence with, “Sorry, but I was just wondering…” or “Sorry, but I just wanted to say…” is so problematic! I am guilty of this, too, as are many women, I think. For me, the apology preamble is often subconscious, and comes from a deep, dark place of not wanting to impose, and not wanting to risk being wrong. However, when I hear other people (ahem, women) start their sentences with an apology, I grow infuriated! I want to scream across the room, “Don’t apologize for speaking!” Short of doing that, I thought I’d unpack what an apology preamble communicates to others.
- It minimizes what you’re saying. It gives people the heads up that what you’re about to say doesn’t deserve the same attention and engagement as other comments. It gives the impression that your comment is a last minute thought, and something that is tangential to the core of the discussion at hand. When you apologize, people check out because it sounds like you’re about to say something that is not important.
- It tells people that you’re not confident in yourself, or your words. It communicates that you are doubting the merits of your comments. And if you’re doubting them, doesn’t that welcome others to doubt them (and you) as well? Ultimately, it compromises the work you’ve done establishing yourself as an authority.
- Last, and most devastating, it communicates that you are doing something wrong by speaking. Think about it. When do you apologize? When you have done something wrong, or when you are empathizing with someone’s pain. You apologize when you step on someone’s toe (hopefully), or when a relative of your friend has passed away. Apologies do not belong as prefaces to your statements at work. You are doing nothing wrong by speaking, and no one died. So stop apologizing.
Do you find yourself apologizing before speaking at work? Try catching yourself and seeing what happens if you start your sentence with your brilliant thought, instead of a diminishing preface. Tell us what happens in the comments below.